Be more brave – Photographic competition and personal work

It’s been awhile. You and I. It’s almost like we’re having an affair, with how little we meet these days. I can give you all kinds of blah blah, but the honest truth is that I’ve been afraid.

I’ve come to recognize that my hands are an extension of my heart when they’re poised over a keyboard.

My writing is art.

My art.

My personal work.

And sometimes the words and feelings and thoughts flow in a way that cause me pain, or perhaps reveals a part of myself to you that I’m just not sure I want you to know.

Yet.

If ever.

Completely.

So here I am, after much of an absence because I’ve been dealing with some personal stuff that leaves me in a position of being afraid to write.

Afraid to let my stuff influence my art.

Afraid to let my stuff influence my art.

One more time for those of you that aren’t getting it.

Christine.

Afraid to let my stuff influence my art.

Those of you still with me, thanks for sticking it out.

I’ve been admiring an artist friend of mine, a talented photographer, who has been pouring her energy into creating competition images.

So what?

The thing is, that energy is being fueled by some personal issues in her life. I don’t know exactly what they are, and it’s none of my business, but I’ve got to admire her guts. Her ability to be all “yeah, things are sucking, this is some art I made about how I’m feeling about that” and then she shows what she created and I’m blown away.

Seriously. Blown away.

Because it’s good. Very good, in fact.

I get it. I feel it.

My heart says

Oh yes!

But more… because she’s just putting it out there. She’s already got a hot mess going on and she’s packaging it all up real pretty for a panel of judges take a gander at.

And others.

Thousands of others.

Strangers.

Here’s my heart.

I want to do that. I want to be like that. I want to rise above this pain that’s silenced me.  I want to wrestle and wrangle it into submission and two dimensions.

But, I’ve been afraid.

I tried, several months back, to create an image as an outlet of some stuff. It didn’t work out so hot, technically, and still needs some refinement. But it was also tough to do, and I might have been using that technical refinement issue as an excuse to keep from finishing it.

It was that uncomfortable.

And then there’s the whole “will they get it?” part…

And then I question whether I’m creating for me or for my audience.

Of course, what I create will be as technically perfect as I can get it because that’s just how I am.

But how experimental and touchy-feely and true to myself am I willing to get with my work, knowing it might not fly in competition?

Knowing the judges might not get it?

Knowing that others will see a piece of me that’s vulnerable?

I’m going to try and change things up. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this kind of thing, lately, and I think I’m going to try to fill that last slot in my case with something intensely personal.

And hopefully, intensely well-done.

I’m going to stop being afraid to let my stuff influence my art.

 

Peace, love and merit scores,